allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize