mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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