you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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