My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
