I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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