I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Randomize
