there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
