Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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