We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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