I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
