i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she told me i tasted like america
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
