Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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