Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you never un-have a 4some
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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