I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
