my mouth tastes like poor choices
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
