I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
