the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
