My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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