i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
