I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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