do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
