I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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