I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
