the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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