Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
