dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
