I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
