I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
