no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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