omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize