Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
