mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
