I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize