i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
