im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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