True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
