There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
