i already hear my dad disowning me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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