the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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