she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
