Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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