Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
