The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
