You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
