Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
