Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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