i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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