I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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