I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
