Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
