shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
