I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
