Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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