I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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