my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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