I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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