It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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