this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
