the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
